A Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton Jokes
does Hillary get up at 6:A.M.?
wants to be the First Lady!..............
the difference between George Washington and Bill Clinton? George Washington
was the father of our country. Bill Clinton is the father of your grandchildren.
president got a dog so that Hillary wouldn't be confused when she walked
past the Oval Office and heard, "Roll over, sit, stay. Good. Now here's
a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President
Clinton," 86% replied, "Not again."
the difference between Teddy Roosevelt and Bill Clinton? They both walked
softly but only Clinton had someone else take care of his big stick.
and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up,
Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope goes to hell. The Pope explained
the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the
error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take
about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day,
the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as the Pope went
off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and
they stopped to chat.
Sorry about the mix up.
Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: You're a day late.
walks into the Oval Office one morning. President Clinton looks up and
says, "you know, I've liked that dress since I first spotted it."
a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon. It will have a six inch hard
drive, but no memory.
Clinton arrives at St. Peter's gate. On the wall are giant clocks. She
asks why there are clocks in eternity. She is told the clocks measure adultery
and that every time someone commits adultery the clocks tick forward just
a little. She asks to see her husband's clock. St. Peter says, "Because
your husband was President of the United States he has the grandest clock
of all, but you can't see it because God likes to keep in his room and
use it as a fan."
help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer? Be a White House intern, and
get a taste of the Presidency!
say that Monica Lewinsky is outraged by Bill Clinton's claims that their
relationship was purely sexual. "Hey!" she said, "It was also delusional!"
the difference between George Bush and Monica Lewinsky? Bush said: read
my lips, no more tax. Monica said: see my lips, no more sex.
Clinton--the man who put the "moan" in "testimony"...
new poll shows that 12% of Americans believe that oral sex isn't sex. Well
they must not be doing it right.
of Clinton's advisors came in and said "the Jennifer Flowers thing has
come up again." Clinton responded, "Oh no, what now?" The advisor said,
"Well, there's good news and bad news." Clinton said, "I've had a rough
day...give me the good news first." The advisor replied,"The good news
is...you're bigger than Magic Johnson."
President Clinton wants to raise money by placing 'sin' taxes on tobacco
and alcohol, why doesn't he place one on condoms? Because the President
has never had a smoking or drinking problem.
is Monica Lewinsky's favorite instrument? Well, she's pretty good on the
piano, but she sucked on the organ.
did Monica get the job in the White House in the first place? When Bill
asked for references he heard "she sucks".
President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. "Mr.
President," said the four-star general, barely to contain himself, "there's
good news & bad news." "Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let
me have the bad news first." "The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded
by creatures from another planet." "Gosh, and the good news?" "The good
news, sir, is that they eat reporters & piss oil."
idea of safe sex is closing an unlocked door.
received a letter from a man who says he'll break his legs if he bothers
his wife one more time. Clinton goes Vern Jordon and asks what he ought
to do. Vernon says, contact the man and promise never to see the man's
wife again. Clinton says, "I can't, the guy didn't sign his name".
finds a bottle, opens it and a genie pops out and grants him one wish.
Clinton wishes for peace in the Middle East. The genie says there are some
things even a genie can't do and tells Clinton to make another wish. Clinton
says he wishes that the whole Monica thing would go away. The genie says
he'll take a second look at the map of the Middle East.
woman calls the White House on the phone. Hillary Clinton answers. Hillary
says, "Sorry, mam, this is not the National Weather Service." President
Bill hears the short conversation and asks, "Who was that?" Hillary says,
"Oh, some gal asking if the coast was clear."
position did Monica Lewinsky have at the White House? Missionary
did Ronald Reagan say after hearing President Clinton's latest State of
the Union speech? You know, Nancy, the man is a better actor than I ever
Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides
nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. "It's this
Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide
replies. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.
speaks out on the Conan O'Brien Show
Bible says a man shall not lie with a woman not his wife, but it doesn't
say a damn thing about sitting on the edge of a copy machine. It ain't
immoral if it's only oral! But she didn't inhale...
Clinton says ..........................What he really means
was not lying. .............................I was standing up and she was
wasn't adultery....................................... She wasn't even
did not have oral sex with her...........................................
She was having it with me.
is time to get on with the nations' business...............................
If this isn't off the front page by ...................................................................................tomorrow,
I'm bombing Iraq.
Lewinsky has stated her case and finally people have listened. When asked
what phrase would best describe her attempts, she replied, "If at first
you don't suck seed--try, try again."
to comment on Monica Lewinsky's situation, writer Judith Martin, better
known as Miss Manners, has decreed that it is acceptable for young ladies
to tuck their napkin in at the chin whenever they are dining under the
makers of Stay Free products have announced a new line of mini-pads with
the President's face printed on the inside surface. As one staffer explained,
"Now you can put that womanizing bozo in his place".
dress will be known in history as "The spot heard round the world"
the difference between Monica and a mosquito?
you smack a mosquito it stops sucking.
the first thing Bill Clinton does when he gets up in the morning?
back to the Whitehouse.
does every girl do when they have dinner with the President?
pick-up the "bill"
& Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary
wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up." Bill finally
wakes up and says, "What do you want?" Hillary responds, "I have to go
use the bathroom." To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake
me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom." Hillary says, "No,
I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
does Monica explain the stain on her dress? She was trying to hold down
one of those high-pressure jobs.
Bill Clinton has just explained the whole matter on national TV. In a brief
statement he declared only, "Monica didn't inhale..."
is the difference between Bill and Monica? One sucks at his job and the
other sucks on the job.